Let me sleep

It’s night and I’m tired, I need sleep, peaceful thoughts and sleep, I suddenly think about the things I could have done that I didn’t, how I’m wasting my life away, i think of how someone else can do what I can so easily, a pit in my stomach which travels up my brain making it hard for me to breathe, I’m on my bed, but now my legs are shaking. I think of all I can do to make it all better, but I then realise that staying awake is only going to make it worse, so I try to sleep, only I can’t because my legs are still shaking. 

“Think peaceful things” says my mind, “Race like there’s no tomorrow” goes my heart.

Suddenly, in a swift moment I get up to look at my phone and see a few comedy videos that will make my thoughts disappear, only they don’t, now even my thoughts cursing my weak-ass because it’s 4:30am and I know tomorrow will be hard. I will want to sleep, I will be tired, I will waste another day and have another regret. The pit in my stomach is now a cliff which I am falling from, into this void that is my mind, an ocean with no horizon. Its like I’m split in two, one of me is doing the actions while the other is watching those actions be done, she’s screaming at me to get my shit together, and it’s like I can only now hear her, at 4:30am. There’s no beauty in this moment, it’s not sad enough to be a song, not romantic enough to be a verse, not big enough to be a tale. 

It’s just the rant of a girl, trying to get some sleep at 4:30am, and her mind just won’t let her.


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The One and Only

Have you ever felt like you are all alone in a crowded place, like people don’t see you. Have you ever hung out with people and realised that it wouldn’t really matter if you were there. Like they see you but they would rather not, like they wish you weren’t around.   
The things you say are not replied to, like you’re not a part of the conversation. They leave without saying goodbye as if the conversation you had didn’t really matter to them. 

The worst feeling in the world isn’t being invisible, it is when you know they can see you but it doesn’t really matter. 

The next time you see someone, on the outside feeling left out, take their hand and bring them in, save them from the rejection they feel, save them from self-doubt

Save them.

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A life less lived

I absolutely hate it when someone says “Your life sounds so interesting, my life is really normal and boring.”

How can you say that? How can you possibly believe that everything from the day you were born is common?

You have said things, Felt things. Things that no one will ever feel or say. People think of you, more often than you think. You have been a part of so many memories yours and the ones around you.

Just because you haven’t climbed a mountain does not give anyone or you the right to make you feel like your life is in anyway lesser than theirs.

The day you decide your life is interesting, that day it will be. That’s the day you start telling your stories with flair and start believing that this is the most interesting life you could have, good or bad.

You are unique and your stories are worth telling.


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User friendly?

In the life of an average person there comes a time where we feel like someone is using us; for our money or connections or what not. Even though this happens to most of us and has become quite common in these times being used is never nice. You might be being used by a friend, but being used is generally when you’re giving and they’re getting, and you’re strung along the whole way. So the question we now ask ourselves is what we should do when something like this does come up, the answers might seem easy when seen from an outsider’s perspective but real life is seldom like that.

What we need to understand is that even if it is obvious for us to see if someone is getting used it might not be that easy for them to figure out the same. Even if people do understand they might not want to say that out loud because sometimes saying things aloud makes them real and who really wants to admit that their friends don’t really like them?

I know that most of all I’m saying is sounding like gibberish so I’m going to go ahead and give an example.

On the 1rst of jan I was in a really bad mood because it was the first new years that I was spending all alone on my own. That day my best friend was out of town so I had no one to celebrate with. That evening I got a call from a few friends from saying that they wanted to drop by my place to spend new years. I knew that they were only coming over because the place they originally planned to celebrate in was occupied. I knew they were using me but I let them come by anyways. We spent the evening together and I had great fun. So, the question here is that- was that the right thing to do?

I know it seems like what I did was stupid but I don’t think so. I was sad and depressed all day and because they came I wasn’t depressed anymore. So in a way I used them too didn’t I? They used me for my place and I used them for their time and company.

I am not playing devil’s advocate for the users. All I am trying to tell you is that there are 2 sides to every story. Nothing ever is just black or white, there is always that tiny little grey area there and that makes a lot of difference.



Posted in lies, life, relationships | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

An ode to 2015

As Dr Seuss said

How did it get so late so soon?
Its night before its afternoon.
December is here before its June.
My goodness how the time has flewn
How did it get so late so soon?

Frankly speaking, 2015 wasn’t a great year for me. I spent most of it lying down in my bed doing absolutely nothing. That is quite ironic because this was supposed to be the most important year of my life, I was supposed to work really hard and should’ve had a lot of things done but that didn’t happen. Why?

I feel like this happened because I underestimated the most powerful thing in the world- Time. I spent all my time looking at the calendar and thinking that I have got all the time in the world to do everything I wanted. I kept procrastinating, waiting for the perfect time to do my work and sadly that never happened.

2016 is the year I’ve been waiting for as far as I can remember. This is the year I finish my school, go to college and so much more but I’m not exited anymore, I’m scared because all of this is happening way to fast and I’m not ready to face life yet. It is way too soon.

I know that change is good but change is also uncertainty and that means not knowing what lies ahead. This year I want to be brave, no matter what happens. I want to not lose my head and to embrace life as it comes. I know it won’t be easy but it is far better than the alternatives.

Happy New Year Everyone

Lots of love


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When actors try politics…

Read about Aamir khan’s statement today where he mentioned how his wife does not feel safe in the country anymore due to the growing intolerance.
I am really shocked at his audacity…..having the name khan he has been the country’s superstar for over 3 decades, how the fuck is that intolerant?
Did Kiran Rao not fear for her safety after the attacks on 26/11, or are bombs and guns not scary or something?

This is a man who promoted “Incredible India”, its surprising how its is suddenly “Intolerant India”
As Ben Parker said to Spiderman- “With great power comes great responsibility”. Just because you have a stage, a camera and a billion people listening does not give you the right to insult my country whomever you may be. A man like Aamir could have ignited hope in India in so many ways yet he chose to misuse his power and create fear.
What a shame.
#AamirKhan #Intolerance

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Oh na na…what’s my age?

‘Act your age’, ‘dress your age’ and ‘talk your age’, are things we hear constantly from everyone, may it be fashion magazines or school teachers. But what does it truly mean. I finally found out…..or it sorta fell on me.

I have studied in boarding schools all my life and because we had all lived under the same roof day and night for more than five years, we were all very close to each other albeit our gender and family backgrounds. Our school had only 120 kids and in my grade there were only 17 of us, so the entire school was like a giant joint family. Relationships in our school were rare not because we were conservative or because of school rules but because we were such close friends that we never considered each other romantically. My beau and I were one of the two couples in my grade.  In a lay man’s words we were kids. Whenever, new people would join the place they would be surprised by the level of immaturity in average 15-16 year olds but sooner or later they would become a part of it as well. Whenever, I thought about one of my guy friends I would find that extremely weird because I knew them too well to date them(I know it sounds ridiculous but its true), after 3 years of attending the school I finally fell in love and I still wonder how that fuckin happened.

Last year after finishing my 10th grade I moved to a city for 11th grade. I was in complete shock because everything was so damn different! Everyone was dating everyone and I never knew the difference between ‘friends’, ‘just friends’, ‘dating’, and ‘committed’. The entire façade confused me to death. Obviously, I was termed the over-grown baby, kid, alien and what-not.  All I knew about relationships was that someone confesses and then you become a couple and you only do so after you get to know the other person very well.  You can understand my confusion when I saw people hopping from one relationship to the other like they were playing a goddamn video game.

Apart from the relationship statuses of people what shocked me was the way everyone acted. People my age tried to act very refined and sophisticated. Not only this, kids who were substantially younger than I am were acting my age. What I don’t get is that why do these kids want to act like adults when you have your entire adult life to do it? People expect you to act like kids now just like they will expect you to act like an adult later on, if we don’t use our childhood to act like children when the hell will we do it?

Growing up is a massive pain in the ass. Life is ruined after you’re 13 especially if you’re an Indian. 10th grade we have boards but they’re not half as bad as the ones in 12th grade. Despite, what Indian parents tell their kids, life doesn’t become heaven once you’ve done well in 12th boards.  We have to go to a college and right after college we have to get a job and start working in this circus called life. Honestly, growing up is shit unless you’re rich and famous.

I am one of the most childish persons I’ve ever come across. I’m 17 and I act 10, no kidding. I do it not because I have to but because I want to. The only time I’m a little mature is when I write. When I say the terms “childish behavior” it doesn’t mean literally acting like a child. It means not leaving behind child like tendencies such as being honest, trusting people, forgiving easily, not holding a grudge, loving unconditionally, adapting to every circumstance with a smile,  and most of all not giving a damn about what anyone says.  This is what being a child means to me. There are times that these things aren’t that easy to do, and that’s what adulthood is all about isn’t it? I wouldn’t know.


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Excuses excuses..

I can’t remember the last time that I met my father. He was an alcoholic and was abusive. I don’t remember much of him as I was only 3 when my mother decided to run away, but the parts I do recall are highly troubling

I remember when in 2012 I visited my aunt’s for Diwali. When I reached their place everyone acted in a suspicious way around me. I soon realized why. My father was standing in the living room of the house with his wife and son. It was like the entire world had shifted from beneath my feet. Only one thought remained in my head 11 years!! 11 years!! Something clicked in me and I ran to the adjoining room and began to cry. It took me a while but I got myself together and by this time everyone assembled outside around the bonfire. I went outside, and ignored him for the rest of the night.

Finally, he spoke to me, but didn’t say what I wanted him to say. He started by blaming my mother for running away, said that he always wanted to meet me but my grandparents never allowed. He went on and on about how he had the perfect future planned out for me but my mother was always too proud to accept help.

Outside, I was calm. I didn’t look him in the eye and faced downwards contemplating my response. Inside, I was dying or at least a part of me was.

11 years!

How could you?

How dare you?

I wanted to enlighten him with the truth to tell him that mom always spoke so highly of him, and after all this time is single. I needed him to know that when my mother had no job and nowhere to live my grandparents took us in and have cared for us ever since. I wanted him to know that mom always wanted me to meet my father but because I was so scared of what I remembered I never let her. I wanted him to know that when children in school would ask me my father’s name I told them my uncle’s name not because I had to but because he was the only stable father figure in my life. That after 11 years of never meeting his daughter the least he could do was apologize.

I didn’t utter a word; all I did was sit there like a statue. After a long minute of painful silence I got up and left without saying a word. I took a cab and reached the place my mother was staying and told her about my little reunion.

I have always taken pride in the fact that I am a very expressive and verbose individual. I am known for my stands, it may be a gender discrimination issue in my school or anything else. That day I failed. I verbalize continuously but when it mattered the most I was unable to do so. I then promised myself that someday I would tell him.

Last year, I received the news of my father’s death. Mom mourned. I couldn’t stand the gloomy atmosphere so I just slipped outside my house and went to a secluded place. I knew what I was supposed to feel- sorrow, but how could I mourn a man I never knew? Instead, I felt anger. I was angry because now I would never be able to tell him how I felt. I had failed once again.

I don’t know if I have overcome this failure yet but I know that some day in the not so distant future I will. This entire experience made me question myself, the most dominating question being the ‘What if?”. At one point I thought that maybe my silence was a divine intervention of sorts, but then I realized that denying my failure and cowardice wasn’t going to change its nature. The idea isn’t to let go and move on, but to hold back and accept failure.

I hope someday in the not so distant future, I will be able to do just that.

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No Ifs No Buts

Violence against females……rape, sexual abuse, harassment, domestic violence, female infanticide, acid attacks. I could basically go on and on if I began to talk about the kind of stuff people do to women in this country…if this kind of stuff happens then the logical solution should be make stricter laws and see to it that they are being enforced properly…..but no….we Indians don’t believe in these things…we are different people, more evolved breed we only focus on the psychological reason of the crime, we think of the root and this process unfortunately puts the blame on none other than the victim…. Weird isn’t it…the girl who was raped is actually at fault…why you ask…well the answer is simple…she was way too western!! She wore skinny jeans and a revealing top that provoked the guy and he raped her……convenient isn’t it?
Sadly, a large number of Indians think so, and not only that, they give the worst possible arguments known to mankind and go to the lowest depths of sophism to support this statement and basically all their arguments are based on “Culture”. Culture….a word used and abused so many times that I have basically forgotten what it means. It is a tool of the Indian parents to right their child when they go on the wrong path…well at least that’s what they say. These cultured people think that wearing western clothes is what provokes the poor darlings who are just so damn innocent to assault a girl, I have even heard some people say that it was Nirbhaya’s(the Delhi rape case victim) fault that she got raped, she shouldn’t have got on a bus at that time of the night….this kind of thinking is the reason India has more rape cases than economical growth….

This kind of mentality not only takes the girl’s freedom to wear what she likes and to go out at any time, but this also gives the men something that shouldn’t be given and that is-an excuse. It gives the police and law enforcement units an excuse to take this lightly as “she brought this upon herself, look at that mini-skirt she was wearing”…..I don’t find this sad or upset….I find it absolutely disgusting…….A girl can walk on the street in a goddamn bikini if she wants to and people cannot rape her Period end of discussion. That’s all, there is no excuse for rape, there is nothing one can say or do to justify this act it’s just wrong and anyone who does this should be behind bars or worse.

India is a nation with more youth population than any other nation on this planet, so some amount of logic is expected of the citizens but no…..we gallantly refuse to do so as our so called culture doesn’t let us move further in life….and to be very clear I’m not shamming our Indian culture….I’m simply against the hypocrisy…..this is a culture that worships women as goddesses….has anyone ever questioned what the goddess Kali wore…..well according to Wikipedia “She is often shown naked or just wearing a skirt made of human arms and a garland of human heads”…….see the hypocrisy right there? How can we expect a nation to grow and our technology to improve if our mentality still lives in the past….we need to move on….instead of questioning your girls, see to it that the government ensures that the police do their jobs properly in enforcing the law…..come on….we don’t become modern by carrying a Smartphone and being constantly active on facebook or Whatsapp, it comes from having a logical outlook towards life and adapting to the change around us. People like Raja Ram Mohan Roy existed about a more than a century ago, at that time they wanted to give women a chance to come out in society and we need to be thankful to such people,they were truly modern not from their attire but from their thoughts.

Rabindhranath Tagore once said “Where the mind is without fear, and the head is held high….where the world has not been broken into fragments by narrow domestic walls….where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way….into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake”


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Why can’t this fish climb the damn tree?

Frustration… a standard emotion in basically every teenager that breathes today, especially Indian…
India…a country of vast culture and tradition blah blah blah….all of it is gibberish… it is a nation full of irony and narrow-mindedness and that is exactly what it is…no offence to anyone here, I’m an Indian myself but the reality can’t be ignored.
As a teenager issues of corruption, female violence etc are of minimal importance to me for my daily life. At this particular moment there is a crisis that I face every day of my life…education or rather studies, which are more important to my family than they ever were to me…
India is a country of brains, this country manufactures more doctors and engineers than any other country in the world…in this manufacturing unit which we call a nation mediocrity is unacceptable, anyone who is not the best isn’t suitable…even the standards of mediocrity are so high that excellence seems like the Mt. Everest itself…
Anything less than a 95% is mediocre, around me I see people getting envious, depressed, ravenous etc just for marks…these digits break friendships, ruin image and makes people feel like losers…
I am stuck in this system, in the nation where middle class reigns everyone is basically in a race and I am an unwanted participant.
According to me India is the only country in the world where nerds are bullies…this is ironic…in schools we see that the nerd is the most popular, most liked etc…this itself shows the kind of society that we live in…the situation is worse in northern India…the south still has some common sense left…again no offence to anyone I’m a north Indian…
Einstein once said “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb the tree, it will live its entire life thinking it was stupid.”
That is what India is all about, here every animal is made to climb the tree, the monkey is adored and honoured while the fish is criticized…no one cares that the fish can beat the monkey in swimming…
I unfortunately am the dog…I can climb the tree and I can swim but I’m not great at either, therefore I am mediocre and there is nothing that I can do about that, I blame this system for this, had I been in a better ambiance I would have discovered my genius and maybe I would have been a fish in some field or the other…
I know I’m not the only one who feels the way I do…so one thing that I want to say is that discovery of our genius is the most important, everyone has one…no one is an exception…I’m on my way to finding it…and hopefully someday I will…
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